Saturday, December 31, 2016

Cass Christmas Chronicles 2016: A Dog’s Tails

After a hiatus of several years, I have volunteered to once again author the Cass family Christmas letter. This is a welcomed chance for me to reclaim the keyboard since, as my five loyal readers know, I had to temporarily give up writing this blog in order to help Tanya and Todd get our house ready for market and sell practically everything we owned (including a slightly used dog pillow and a box of stale Milkbones) so that we can downsize, buy a sailboat, and hit the high seas. Having never moved my paws off dry land I’m not totally sure what the high seas are, but I overheard Todd talking about the need for me to pee and poop on a piece of AstroTurf or some such thing. I’m thinking this does not sound good…

But, as I’ve frequently proven, I am a team player. So, I’ve spent this past year generously supporting Todd and Tanya’s life dream.  A few of the many examples of my largess:
  •       I have become an excellent road navigator, having successfully co-piloted Todd through several trips between Indiana and Florida. I am however, still working on convincing Tanya to give up her position at shotgun – she seems not to understand that my backseat driving would be much more effective from the front.
  •       I guaranteed Todd’s successful transition to working from home by gluing myself to his side at the computer and allowing him breaks only when my nature calls. His colleagues at Gibraltar Design have hardly noticed my occasional presence on conference calls.
  •     I have calmly adjusted to having my large Invisible-Fenced yard replaced by a 5 foot leash, along with stupid commands like “stay”, “heel”, and “leave it”. I draw the line however at “come” – if Todd and Tanya are foolish enough to leave me to my own devices (i.e. drop the leash or crack a door too wide) well, too bad for them. I’ll return when I damn well please (or dinnertime, whichever comes first).
  •     I charmed my way into the hearts and homes of family members and close friends who graciously offered us short-term housing only to perhaps later regret that the definition of “short-term” had failed to be adequately agreed upon. We will forever be indebted to the Bullis and Cass/Tobey households.
  •       I spent several days babysitting my Vizsla nephew, Westin, so that Todd and Tanya could help Jake and Brynlee put together dressers and cribs, shiplap walls, and hang baby clothes in preparation for the impending arrival of twins – a boy and a girl. I realize that I should have more sympathy for the adjustments poor Westin will soon have to make, but the fact that he is currently being forced to listen to CD renditions of babies crying is just too hilarious.
  •     I’ve offered advice and encouragement to both Howie, who just received a promotion at Redfin, and Kara, who took on a new job with Ryan Fireprotection. While I tried to be enthusiastic in my congratulations, personally, I feel for anyone who actually has to work for a living.
  •       I’ve expanded my vocabulary with phrases like “market analysis”, “loan broker”, “bank statements” and “underwriting”. I have no idea what these things mean except that their use in loud conversation usually required something Tanya and Todd call “medicinal cocktails”.

So yes, I’ve certainly fulfilled my role as therapy dog in the past year. But the psychic that Tanya met in her water aerobics class has assured her that we’ll soon be settled in safe harbors. Perhaps before I even mail this letter….

Merry Christmas and Ahoy Mates,                                                     
Tanya, Todd, and Gracie

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Forget the Candles, I Just Want Cake!

Happy Birthday to me.
Happy Birthday to me.
I am still more gorgeous, intelligent, funny, cute, and just plain adorable
Than any younger dog can hope to be. 

Today is my 12th birthday. (For the arithmetically-challenged, that makes me 84 in human years.) Having served most of that time as a role model for other less gorgeous, intelligent, funny, cute, and adorable dogs, I thought I would use this momentous occasion to review a few of my many accomplishments of the past year, thus providing encouragement to the other canines (and frankly, humans) who may need motivation to achieve their own personal greatness. I have amassed a huge repertoire of feats in 2016. But humbleness is, of course, one of my plethora of fine traits. And so I will limit myself to a short list of highlights.
  • I have scientifically verified (once again) that eating an entire loaf of whole grain bread significantly multiplies the bowel benefits of a high fiber diet.
  • Even though I very clearly told Tanya and Todd that I do not intend to ever park my butt in that contraption they call a “crate”, I was forced to destroy the damn thing in order to successfully get my point across.
  • I proved that an exceptional dog can eat a Ziploc sandwich bag of Hershey miniatures with little side effect other than pooping tin foil for three days. (Caution: I am a trained professional – DO NOT let your dog try this at home.)
  • While Tanya and Todd seem to think that I have developed a touch of arthritis - au contraire. I am simply graciously giving tree-climbing squirrels a reprieve from my former high-jumping pursuit (geese however better run for their measly little lives).
  • I have demonstrated numerous times that my mild case of cataracts can be easily overcome by my keen sense of smell. And so I remain the champ at fettering out any possible food left within my reach (see above).
  • And most impressively, I continue to prove that you CAN teach an old dog new tricks – I graduated with honors from two weeks of intensive doggie boot camp! My trainer recognized my innate intelligence very quickly, but he reported to Tanya and Todd that I am stubborn. Duh, did he think they didn’t know that? Personally, I find it a source of honor. But the trainer’s most hilarious observation? He insisted that I am way too motivated by food.

I fail to see the problem.
Bring on that cake!