No, I Don't Need an Enema!

I was adopted under false pretenses. I knew going into this that Todd worked a lot of hours as an architect/project manager at Gibraltar Design. But, after over 20 years as CEO of the Partnership for Philanthropic Planning, Tanya had retired. Would someone please explain to her what “retired” means, as in “be available all day to devote yourself to Gracie’s every whim”? But oh no, there was a different plan that she and Todd neglected to fill me in on. Tanya went back to college to become a nurse!  Was I Surprised? Shocked? Mortified? Pissed? (That was the only one I could truly express to them). Of course I was. After all, I thought I’d signed on for the “all about me” plan.  Even veterinary school I could have possibly tolerated but a BSN?! And an accelerated program at that - study, study, study 24/7 while I get practically ignored (well, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration). So for six months I had to move my pillow into the home office in order to help her complete the prerequisite microbiology, chemistry, anatomy, physiology, statistics, and theology. Hell, (I learned that term in theology) I could probably pass the damn NCLEX myself by now! (Although you’ll NEVER get me to put on scrubs.)  And now she’s in clinicals and leaves me alone all day while she learns about giving enemas, changing colostomy bags, and interviewing patients about their bowel habits. If she really wanted to clean up poop all day, I’d have been happy to oblige. But no, she just rushes out the door with barely time to toss me a milk bone on her way. And when she IS home? She chases me around the house with a blood pressure cuff and stethoscope trying to take my vitals. And any sympathy from Todd? No way – he’s been enthusiastically cheering her on. (I will have to cut him a little slack though, after Tanya’s history of broken foot, broken jaw, massive black eye, and last summer’s head injury, he’s realized that nursing skills may be a family necessity, although he’s dubious that Tanya will be able to stitch herself.)

In retrospect, maybe this isn’t such a bad deal. Even though the quantity of attention I get has suffered, I’ll admit that the quality is still pretty good.  And I’ve got an awesome GPA.